Just me being real for a moment...

I started writing this about two weeks ago, and just never got around to finishing it…but now I feel I need to add to it, more than just finishing, for my Lord hasn’t stopped working in my heart or life…

I have been mulling this over in my head for a couple of days now, wanting to write but being hesitant. Today, I feel like I just need to do it, but now that I sit down to type, I don't know where to start. It all just wants to come flooding out at once!
So, I have found myself frustrated lately. Honestly, I've been a bit frustrated with God, and just with this Christian life that I'm caught up in the middle of. Maybe you've found yourself there...wanting to live for God, but really feeling like it's a lost cause as we could never (in our own strength) be good enough. I've been frustrated that I have to look so different from the world - and quite frankly - even from others in the church. Why did God have to ask these things of me? Why did He have to ask me to walk this narrow road? To be set apart? To look like a fool, a freak to the world? WHY!?!?! And why does this road have to seem so alone so much of the time?
In my mulling things over, I found myself angry - more than once - unfortunately. I've felt strangely deprived because I haven't participated in so many activities of the world. I've been focused on what I have "missed"... (This is the part where I have to admit that theory is easier than application as God was teaching me the theory of the "hand to plow" concept a couple months ago, and now giving me practice - see previous post.) Those things that for the moment seem appealing, but in the long run hold no eternal value. I feel like I have been stuck in that strange place of not being good enough, but at the same time, being too good? It's an oddity...actually, I feel like I'm the oddity.
So I ended up just staring at the ocean last night, for about 2 hours, talking to a friend for part of it...and then this morning I listened to a podcast that just nailed my issue on the head. It's not that I HAVE to do these things for God, it's that He's given me the privilege to do them for Him. It's not a requirement for me to live this way, He gave me free-will and choice. But if I want Him, if I really want to walk with Jesus, to know Him, live with Him, then I have to be set apart from things of this world, and life isn't going to be so easy. Reality is: the "American Dream" conflicts with the life a Christ follower is called to. It somehow seems that isn’t a common theme among people professing to be Christians in the United States these days...

I went to a young adults cookout thing last night with a friend...it was with another campus of the church that I went to. We both decided we needed to step out of our comfort zones and meet new people. After eating and fellowshipping, we all sat around and they had a guy speak...he said that one of the things that had just been on his heart to share was the first commandment, to love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul and strength; and in that, he talked about God being a jealous God, jealously wanting us, our attention, our devotion and our lives. As I sat there listening, God started teaching me a lesson that I cherish so much already.

Have you ever had a close friend, and then you felt like you got replaced in their life? It’s not a fun experience, but it is what God has been walking me through lately...actually, with two of my friends. Amidst the strange realm of emotions that I have experienced, one that has stuck out has been jealousy. Now, I’m not saying that it was justified or I was entitled to my jealousy, because the Bible talks about removing jealousy from a believer’s life – I’m just saying that is what I have been experiencing. Um...it’s not fun at all to be jealous...but then last night, God let it click – He allowed me to understand a truth that I had known for years but never fully grasped: He is jealous for me! I know, you have probably heard this before, we even sing about it quite a bit between the radio and church right now...but I have never fully understood jealousy like this before. Nor have I, I guess for whatever reason, really grasped that God would be jealous (in a righteous and perfect jealousy) over me. That He would feel that way when He is replaced by any person or thing in my life. If I can feel that for a person, for friends, then how much more, and perfectly justified, is Christ’s jealousy for me, for us, for His Church.

In Christ’s jealousy for His people, He calls us to Himself – which means calling us to His ways and His standards, He wants us set apart for Himself, and ultimately this makes us look different from the world. We can’t have Christ and the world, it just doesn’t work. But somehow knowing that He is perfectly, passionately, and intensely jealous for His glory, for me and His people, and for His glory to be displayed in my life, has given such comfort and joy...that He loves in such a way that He would be jealous, wanting His people’s time, attention, lives, and all that is encompassed in that, makes the having to be different so much more worth it.

I serve a God who loves so much that He is jealous...somehow in that past, that has been easy for me to forget...

I love how Paul put it: "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. " -Philippians 3:12-14

I feel like it has been a long time sense I have written...but then again, I'm still trying to figure out where June went. It seems like life has become a blur of fullness, an amazing ride, but I find I'm just hanging on...waiting to see where my Lord leads next. Not that it wasn't before, I think that school just provided a safety and routine that didn't require as much reliance on my Savior. It was good, but this is much more of an adventure, I'm finding. Where before, the next step was more clear - begin semester, survive semester, end semester, take brief break and begin again - and now...I'm not sure.

God has been teaching so much. Maybe it's that I have finally clued in a bit...whatever the case, it has been so much fun learning (well, sometimes it has it's "ouch" moments). I somehow wish that I could share all that the Lord has been teach and doing in me, but that would be a lot of writing. So I will just share a couple of the main points that stick out in my head.

Luke 9:62 - Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."
This verse was nothing new to me as I have heard it before, but all the sudden my Lord began to make it leap off the page to me, and it was preached at a service I went to, was in a book I was reading...it began to just pop up all over the place. I had heard it preached before, normally under the context of not letting your past hold you back from what God would have you to do. And I do agree with that context...but I think it goes much farther. My Lord began to point out...it's also the looking at that which I have "given up" for Him - looking at others, seeing what they have of this world, their lives that blend so wonderfully into society, or even just looking at society to see what I have been missing by living more according to His standards than it. It is this attitude and behavior that can render me useless to the Kingdom of God. Unfortunately I was (and sometimes still do) finding myself here...wondering why I have been called to different standards! I know, I can be extremely dense. I KNOW why I have been called to different standards, Philippians 3:20 puts it nicely: "But our citizenship is in Heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ." In another place, we are called aliens and strangers...makes sense that I would be called to different standards! My Lord's standards...but I have moment when I forget.
The second part of this lesson has been more recently sinking in..."for service in the kingdom of God." The sinking in that that is what it is all about...service in His Kingdom. I find that we get so caught up in the going to church, and the goings on of church, that we miss being kingdom minded. That's not a happy thing...church isn't a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but when it becomes all about church instead of all about serving God and serving others, ultimately working for the kingdom of God, we miss the point. We can actually begin doing more harm than good then...at least, that's my perspective.

Another lesson that my Lord has been teaching me lately is that of "faith like a child." Or rather, we were told that "whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." - Mark 10:15. Growing up, I heard faith like a child related to a child thinking that his or her daddy can do anything! That their father is their hero, they don't doubt him...just as we aren't to doubt our Heavenly Father...He can do anything and that should be something we firmly believe. But I've been learning a different aspect of faith like a child lately...the fearlessness of a child. I had the opportunity to climb a tree a couple of weeks ago....haha, I love climbing trees! Anyways, I got...well, not very far up the tree...and my hand slipped (haha, it wasn't even anything major, but that tensing shock shot through my body with the immediate thought of "what if I fall?!?" - there was sand under me as I was on a beach! And while I had scaredy-cat moments as a little girl, I was also the kid who would be at the top of the tree in my great grandmother's front yard with my mother telling me I had gone too high! Now I would be the adult that would be telling the kid not to go so high...why? Because they might fall and get hurt? I think that we, especially in society, put a lot of stock in being safe. Not that being precautious is a bad thing; God gave us a brain for a reason. But I also think that He didn't intend us to be immobilized by fear. Yet how many times do I find myself not doing something because I might get hurt? Whether it be emotionally or physically...there comes a point where safety is not the main goal. Glorifying and serving the Lord Jesus Christ is. But I know that there are times when I don’t love others as I should because I am afraid of being vulnerable and risking getting hurt. I know there are times when I don’t want to think about going overseas or doing anything that would possibly be unsafe…I mean, isn’t that a key prayer in our lives…safety? Again, don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad prayer. It’s just a sad thing when that prayer becomes more of a priority than the prayer that God would be glorified through our lives, or possibly our deaths? Paul summed it up nicely when He said, “For me, to live is Christ, to die is gain.” Or as the New Living Translation puts it, “For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better.” – Philippians 1:20. I mean, really, if we (as Christians) die, we get to meet Jesus – what could be better than that?!?!

So, that leads up to me actually updating on what is happening in my life. Here is a picture that I feel almost adequately describes my life:

Suspended in mid air! Having Jumped with the safe landing not clearly in sight! (don't worry, there was a ledge...)

I leave for Nicaragua in less than a week! Why am I going? Because God said “Jump” and I actually did this time. I’m going for missions training…and I feel like God is calling me to “Go!”, but He’s not clued me into the specifics – surprisingly I’m ok with that. He will, in His time, I’m sure. For now, I’m just hanging on to Him for dear life! And trying to enjoy this ride we call Life!